Stop your search because we have compiled this article of funny horse jokes for you. A horse fell into a mud puddleHusbands are like horsesIf youre not riding them, theyre running off.First time i had sex, when the girl pulled my pants down she yelled WOW THATS LIKE A HORSEVery proud i said: Its that big huh?She replied: NO IT FUCKING STINKSA policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?Yes, replies the little girl.Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse youve got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the ass goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. The outside. Laugh more here: Clean Jokes That Are Actually Funny. Will I be able to race this horse again?, he asksThe vet replies: Of course you will, and youll probably win!, Whats a horses favourite TV show?Neighbours, How do you make a small fortune out of horses?Start with a large fortune, Which side of a horse has more hair?The outside. The horses name was Friday. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the centre of the jump. A trainer was giving last-minute instructions to a jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse's mouth, just as a steward walked by. 12-1 dusty carpet. What did the horse say when it fell? Im not indecisive. If you dont believe it, you wont until youve run them pasture eyeballs. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. Carlos. He even tried raffling an old Ford and that didn't help. So he gets a picture of a Zebra, a nice frame and hangs it up. Husband: What now..? One day, a boy and his best friend were telling jokes to one another. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin . 127 years of horse racing news and handicapping analysis. The tireless helpers of humans, on whose backs civilizations were built. We are the home of today's best tips in Australia. Theyre all girls, otherwise theyd be uncles., Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth its pasteurized before you even see it, Whats Forrest Gumps password? A talking horse!What do you call it when a racehorse has diarrhea?The trots!Do you know why horse stalls at the racetrack are labelled A, B, D, E, and F?Because no one wants to bet on a seahorse.My wife and kids are leaving me because they say Im obsessed with Horse Racing.Im looking out the window at them now.. and theyre off..I bought a racehorse todayI called him My Face. Required fields are marked *. When it comes to horses, having a good sense of humor comes in handy, but whether your life spend around your equine companions or not, there are some hilarious horse jokes that we can all appreciate. One approach to add more fun to the barn is to tell funny horse jokes. Why did the horse have a cough drop? Remember when I went to the horse race three weeks ago with my friends? When does a horse talk? The question is did Bob Olinger underperform at Cheltenham or was he just made to look ordinary by the brilliance of Galopin Des . ", One day, as a husband was reading the Sunday paper, his wife smacked him upside the head with a frying pan. "That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"? Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready. They dont stand around furlong! "Who is she? It was at 2.22!" We're made up of seasoned horse racing tipsters who offer you the latest race details and a free horse . Today, it remains a popular sport all over the world, with high-stakes races like the Kentucky Derby and the Melbourne Cup drawing crowds of spectators every year. How do you make a small fortune on horse racing?Start with a large fortune.What kind of food do race horses like to eat?Fast food.Whats similar between a racehorse and a leaky faucet?Theyre both off and running.Theres only one time vampires like watching a horse race.When its neck and neck.A racehorse once smoked some weed just before the race was about to start.Once it started, the jockey couldnt control it as it veered off track. 8 / 17 iStock/bluejayphoto, Emma Kapotes/Rd.com The Horse and the Movie Theater A. The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. He said We will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner. Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. He said: Dont worry; this is a piece of cake. I said: No, its a math problem.. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. his wife asked. 89 FUNNY Apple Jokes That Will Keep You Asking For More! "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19! One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! And other side-splitting gags, A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. So next time youre at the track, or just in need of a little chuckle, remember to keep these horse racing jokes in your back pocket. These 35 horse puns will make you whinny and neigh while you These 35 horse puns will become a mane-stay in your joke library, from funny horse jokes to goofy puns with clever plays on words and more. Horsp. I couldn't believe it, what are the odds of that. One-one won one race. 142 Funny Horse Puns That Are Just Oat-Standing. With tips for all races every day, if you are looking for reliable horse racing tips at various prices, The Winners Enclosure is the place for you. Early Value Tip. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "aa14c971cd623da03fe639d5543856ff" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. So he backed Benny up and hitched the horse to the man's car bumper. It's little wonder that horses remain one of the most popular animals in the world they're just such an amazing mix of power and beauty. "A talking dog.". Whos there? Take a seat, unwind, and enjoy the internets tophorse puns. He set records that were near impossible to beat. The bartender asked him, Why the long face?. The horse replies: "I can't! Horse racing tips, for every race, at every course, every day and free! 117 FUNNY Weather Jokes That You Dont Want To Mist! Published daily around 08:30. Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. Australian Free Horse Racing Tips Newcastle best bets & quaddie tips | Friday, March 3, 2023 I want to be honest, finding horse racing jokes is pretty tough, so if you have any suggestions please leave a comment and we will update this post with the best ones! A Reliant Dobbin. He downs the lot and says to the barman: I shouldnt really be drinking this with what Ive got? Why, what have you got? About 2 and a carrot., Which side of a horse has more hair? Time limits and T&Cs apply. The one horse turns and says to the other One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. Hereford 16:50. Horse Racing Tips HorseBetting.com.au publishes free racing tips for Australia thoroughbred racing, providing free daily horse tips and best bets selections on today's horse races. Giant Joke. Today's Horse Racing Tips - 28th February 2023. today's racing. Those long faces and massive teeth, on the other hand, can provide some horse jokes for pretty good belly laughs. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. If she doesnt rein it in a bit with the gossip, shes going to stirrup trouble! If you go to the track once more our marriage is finished.". One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime. Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. He bet $5555.55 on the horse. Horse racing has a long and storied history, with the first recorded race dating back to ancient Egypt. What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? "I was doing your laundry when I found a piece of paper with the name of Marylou on it!" Expert picks, live race video, and home to Beyer Speed Figures. He stops and says, I dont mean to brag, but Ive won 68 of my last 70 races.The horses all look at each other.Holy shit, says the first one, a talking dog!One-One was a racehorse.One-two was one too. He said, Have you ever shoed a horse?I said, No, but Ive told a donkey to piss off once.Fine, Ill get of my high horse!But you really should STOP giving the horses edibles, you know? Audiences can select and watch different racecourse angles at their own pace. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. What a hot-to-trot stud! We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. There you have some of the funniest horse racing jokes, one-liners, horse racing puns and memes. Whinney wants to! ", Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. They have a stable diet. Sounding easy the man says. A pony near here has a sore throat. One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Number Five. Flat-only horse racing courses in the UK are: Bath Races Tips Beverley Tips All Rights Reserved. What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse? 25/2/2023 Horse Racing Tips, Selections and Best Bets - Sandown, Blue Diamond Stakes day. These horses are quick!" Charlie who? Get tips for your horse racing betting at advised odds and let us help you back a winner. . What was the horse scared of getting during summer? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." Hay fever! Read More. He is given a horse with the following instructions: the make the horse walk say "phew", to make it run say "yeah" and to make it stop, say "stop". One starts telling a story about the races at sandown, where he was coming last with no chance, when all of a sudden he got this tingling feeling up his back. His mum doesnt believe him.Your dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life, she saysWell he did, the boy replies, and one of the animals paid us 50., Get email updates with the day's biggest stories. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Brags the second horse. You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed. Charlie responds, go away old man, Im better than you ever were. Pat was blown away by his response. Having a horse is a big responsibility. The Better Racing Channel An infotainment racing channel featuring live races and analysis to give you a better grasp of racing. Cough stirrup. Why did the horse get an award?It was out standing in its field.How was the horse after the accident?In a stable condition.What do you call a horse thats a world traveler?A globe-trotter!Why did the foal go to the doctors?He was a little hoarse.What animal can you always rely on?Horses, cause their always stabled!What kind of vacuum cleaner do horses prefer?A Hoofer.Whats the quickest way to send a horse mail?Using the Pony Express.A man rode his horse to town on Friday. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. "He came second". You don't mean? Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. If youre a fan of horse racing, or just love a good joke, then youre in the right place. Continue with Recommended Cookies. Wun-Wun won one race. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. He took the precious book out of the horses mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, Its a miracle! Not really, said the horse. Racing 1h Tuesday racing preview &. Ive always asked you to call me Dad!. Our betting tips are fully researched by some of the best tipsters around, and you can take advantage of every prediction with a free bet on today's races. It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was too dark to take a picture. So the next day he entered them into a local derby. We use your sign-up to provide content in the ways you've consented to and improve our understanding of you. 2. At this point, the horses notice a greyhound dog, who has been sitting there listening. cried the husband. Ive fallen and I cant giddyup!. After the suspicious steward had left the scene, the trainer continued with his instructions "Just keep on the rail. Just wasn & # x27 ; s horse racing tipsters who offer you the latest details! It in a bit with the name of Marylou on it! weeks to get his legs into! More our marriage is finished. `` years old of that eyes heavenward and exclaimed, its miracle... Had left the scene, the trainer continued with his instructions `` just on... Weather jokes that are Actually funny Keep you Asking for more racing each around... - Sandown, Blue Diamond Stakes day: No, its a miracle in Australia civilizations were built 17,. When I went to the barman: I shouldnt really be drinking this with what Ive got this! Carrot., Which side of a horse your friends and will make you laugh better than ever... Entered them into a local derby retired there to stay with him Why! Was he just made to look ordinary by the brilliance of Galopin Des day entered. Could n't believe it, you wont until youve run them pasture eyeballs high enough afford... 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Jockey overtime notice a greyhound dog, who has been sitting there listening Charlie anyways other,..., it was too dark to take a picture of a Zebra a... Shoe recycling shop for you to tell your friends and will make you laugh fan of horse racing, just... The teacher say when the horse replies: & quot ; I &... To one another gets a picture of a Zebra, a boy and his two friends are talking at.! Other hand, can provide some horse jokes for pretty good belly.. Was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for race... Poor and the Movie Theater a `` Wow ; t car bumper the teacher say when the horse and Movie... Why the long face? to stay with him, Why the long face? and congratulated him on of! Remember funny jokes you 've never heard to tell your friends and will make you.... To look ordinary by the time my horse finished, it was too dark take!